I see the world around filled with fear, My sad plight, i feel nobody wants to hear, I wish to die and disappear. The reason to live is unclear. An orphanned child who lost his parents dear, Buried inside is an ocean of tear. To cry on a shoulder, None is near. Life has been so very unfair. Nobody i feel has time to care Is this real or just a nightmare I happen to live on in sorrow and despair. I don't know how long i ll be able to bare, From here i go, i don't know where, Against the waves i swim, i dare. I seek for peace which i find nowhere.

skandagiri

It was around 8:30 PM and i was watching NDTV 24*7 at my sister's house in Bangalore, when i was alerted to a message by a friend.. het dude, skandagiri 12 PM, coming, eh? Me lazy bugger, who wouldnt otherwise move my ass around the corner pulled up my socks in a jiffy,had all the chow in a gallop,and set off to tumkur. it takes an hour and a half during the wee hours to get to tumkur.i got to my room by 11P M.My bike was at the far end of the stack that forms the parking lot of the apartment building.. decked behind were 2 bikes, a classic enfield and a yamaha rx 135, both owned by my fellow floor mates. And to get my bike out, i had to do the herculean task of pulling the bikes behind, out of the shed and put them back in over a 60 degree ramp. by the time i had my bike out, it was 11:30 P M. i set off to the hostel from where we were to depart at 12 as per schedule. We had to reach the view point b4 sunrise.Thanks to all the hoopla over who is riding pillion with whom, we were an hour behind time, even before we left.And to add to our woes, most of the dozen bikes that we set off on were starving for fuel.finding a gas station in tumkur at the middle of the night is no child's play. they would be either closed or unattended.at last, we found one, woke the guy up by honking and had the fuel..
skandagiri is around 100 km from tumkur amd the trek to the top would take around 2 hours.. we were running late and i generally dont like to rip my 1500 km old bike. a stretch of the route was infamous for burglary and discourteous.i maintained a steady 60 to 70 all across, sometimes falling to the temptation of speeding.. a 150 cc pulsar beast and self control are hard to get along. we had our share of untoward incidents.. a fall after a speed breaker went unnoticed and a bashing from patrolling police yelling at the 12 bikes speeding past.. overnight drive had sucked a lot of energy.. and i am not particularly a good mountaineer. acrophobia only adds salt to spice. i used to sit down after every few hundred meters, closing my eyes, unwilling to see the valley from the precarious position we used to rest. somehow, we were at the hilltop by 5:30. the sun had not rosen, and we had made it, just in the nick of time. make it a point, if u go climbing somewhere, do carry a lot of water, especially if it is a summer! i shelled out 30 bucks for a litre of water, and heavens know if the water packed in the mineral water bottle was indeed mineral water. whatever, it assuaged the thirst and thats all that mattered at the hour.
we had higher expectations, going by the snaps we had seen of other people's trek. we realised, summer is probably not the right time to skandagiri. sunrise was good, but we were expecting clouds.. all in all, it was fun, the drive atleast. by the time i got down, i was busy bitching that this place does not deseve so much of climbing. spent some time at the parking point, taking some rest and got back to the hostel.

The year that was.

2008 will go down the books as one of the swell years of my life history.. Everything was so close to being perfect. Sister got engaged in feb. I put my name on the TCS placed list in april. I found my professional love for 2 years, SASKEN in july with a lot of twists. Sister got married in december and for the year ender, i booked my pulsar dtsi.
Looking forward optimistically to the new year, though few things can pip
the utopia 2008 was.

The engineering magnum opus ~ homo sapiens

it asks that if you are reading this, try to put yourself off your shoes, uncurtailed by the narrow window of thought. if you cant, this is just a piece of gibberish, reading which is of no point.
Nature is the greatest engineer and man,through all his diligence will never match the aura of the supernatural, what we have for reasons i dont understand, come to call nature. i very often get this feeling, that things that seem simple are quite profound when thought of.wats the average life span of a human being?, 70 years. ya, the first response would be, wat nonsense,whats the big deal.now see it from a broader perspective and i realise wat the point is.lame, insignificant things that ever one might think of fill me with awe.the human heart pumps blood from the day baby is born, till the oldmanthe duration as the average life span of a human.the other beauty is the brain. dies, something even spectacular is that it is built well enough to function for twice some people have a misconception that machines are superior to men. wrong. man can make a machine but a machine cannot make a man. how is that for a stater for the justification of superiority of human intellect.let alone comparing with man, they feel far inferior to bateria, for the simple reason that they are not a self sustained system. (sometimes i feel bacteria are superior to humans).the human brain is a clocked device with a frequency beyond perceptible bounds. put all the TMS DSP s of the world together and you can possibly not match it. overwhelming thing is that the human machine runs on biofuel and is perfectly biodegradable.the very manner in which life begins is a wonder, two cells crossed, start a chain reaction of mitosis
nature, it seems has been harnessing nanotechnology for millions of years.ther has nothing and shall for a long time to come, be anything synthetic of the class of skin be made.take every piece of the human body and i see a technical jargon. the skeleton, enzymes, blood vessels, blood, and just about everything,everytime i think of how complex we are.

frayed ends of personae

modern physics treats quarcks as particles on sundys and mondays, and as waves on tuesday and wednesday, and just about anything on rest of the days. light behaves as particle during scattering and as wave during interference and diffraction. water expands from 4 degree to 0 degree celsius and all matter is associated with a de broglie wavelength.. its all the hell so confusing. welcome to reality, even nature has a multiple personality disorder i believe. the more i ve tried to observe, the more i ve realised, nothing is absolute. monotony is an anomaly, more so than anomaly itself.
we all have split personalities to a certain extent, regardless of how willing we are to accept it.sometimes vivacious, as though world does not matter, sometimes comfortably numb to every joy and sorow, and sometimes drowned in an ocean of sorrow.it's a trait of every human being,and is fairly normal while well within the bounds. but when someone gets stuck in the nets so bad and severe that you tend to forget your identity and dewy eyed mood swings become an identity crisis, life seems bitter than hell.

"Nirvana"

Its one of those times when i am sunk at the fathom of ocean of philosophy.i am feeling that i ve lost control of my senses. i am feeling enlightened! i have not come to believe this as a loser, that does not either mean that one should stop living.
"life is an existence that has no meaning"

what is that we struggle for all our life?, do we even know what life is, any thing more than a survival, an existence without meaning, delusions! mere delusions.wat difference does it make anyways?, we all are born, and we shall all die. wat will remain is ultimately,just a pot of ash. and what is between, is where we seek pleasure.the universe has existed billions of years,before us, and though shall exist billions of years after.although our solar system is going to die when sun becomes a red giant.and to think, one makes an image in a lifetime, is as funny as it is idiotic. man is far to frail an entity in the world, and people who consider themselves, masters of their destiny are the greatest morons.nobody dies virgin,life fucks everyone and they ll compass that the master of the world is someone else, the master of puppets is pulling the strings.
not everyone has to live as an ascetic, thats not wat i wish to convey. we have chosen to live out the way we please, and we shall. it is only that while we put our efforts, that we should keep in mind that, we are not in control of things, and whatever we do, we are going to end one day. as profoundly as you can understand it, and as early as possible, life will become a lot simpler.
i feel beyond the constructs of mundane joy and pleasure.i feel it that way, you can sign me off as thickheaded, i care two hoots or less about that.
i feel that i am in a state of "Nirvana".

Sister s engagement.

I feel in seventh heaven.

February 24th 2008.i could feel myself on top of the world. all of a sudden, it seems life is on a crescendo. everything is going my way. it happened all so suddenly that i could not have invited people to the engagement.the pre plan was to get the pragmatic things set right regarding the alliance.

So it turned out that engagement be on the day things were sorted out.for someone who tends to socialize more like a frivolous kiddy, it was quite an anachronous situation.this fictile substance that i am, i could somehow bring myself as a mature individual. i was waring a black-a-black combination of blazer/formals, which seemed grander than the costume of the people getting engaged.an embarassing situation it was, with people staring at me, why this duff is so grand.

i was staying in my cousin s house. first day was the informal discussion of both the allies, the engagement on the next.i had put up at my cousin s house with my sister, mama and mami. next day, my whole paternal side clan came.it had been a long time i was between people.i love it a lot when i am between my people, it gives a lot of joy.

that evening after the engagement, we left by udyan express to bamglore.but there was one big question left hanging, when is the marriage to take place?, my jeeju-to-be has an US trip on cards, and july is totally inauspicious for my family and august to the other family. april would be too early to organise things and no marriage dates in june. so it all ended up that day of wedding be december 7th, after my would be bro-in-law's return from the US.
apologies for being unable to invite everyone to the engagement. everyone is welcome to the wedding in gulbarga, a very advance invitation going out from my side. a more formal one will be at your doorsteps soon.
with loads of happiness.-vadi.